How heartbreak can change a person and why you should wait on God

I was so hurt that after I accepted we weren’t meant to be. I started to date again, worse decision I kept finding men just like him, emotionally unavailable. I thought to myself I just went through a hard breakup, and months later I was thinking I would finally find the one.

But I wasnt in a place where I felt safe. I went to my ex home Country to visit and realized I was attaching myself to his past life.

I actually enjoyed the Country but I know God was showing me it wasn’t where I needed to be, I had no peace there.

I’m over the breakup but I feel like I suffered emotionally from it and didn’t know what safe love was. And was still accepting less and the bare minimum.

I tend to rush into relationships because I was patient with my ex while he made a choice if he wanted something serious with me. (Never do this) That’s how I know I need to heal because I used to stay silent when I would normally speak up. I never communicated how I felt with my ex, because he wasn’t a safe space. And I had no experience with dating as an adult because I was single for 5 years.

But at this stage I was so far from God that I didn’t know what a healthy relationship looked like. All I knew was that I am a good woman, but that meant nothing to a man who doesn’t value you.

I prayed for God to fix him idk why?? Because this man made me so sick I was bed rotting, like he never seemed genuine because he wasn’t. And I know I am failing at relationships because I am trying to write my own love story.

I heavily look for a man that can provide for me because that’s what my ex never did, he only took. And I also value a man who is as driven as me, that’s important! And a lot men fake it just to get with you, because their life is in the dark.

My childhood trauma thought me that I am soft hearted, but I am so defensive and don’t trust anyone because I’m afraid of getting hurt. This is why I cannot be with a guy who is not gentle and has anger issues, because he won’t know how to treat me because he’s fighting his own demons. I know this was a lot, but I hope this helps someone who’s waiting on God for marriage, because doing it on your own especially after dealing with a narcissist will get you more hurt.

Because for an example all I wanted was a Turkish man, I wanted the closest thing to my ex, and I realized I didn’t need that or want that, and I am perfectly fine being with a man who’s from a different ethnic background.

For me it was because I took the the to learn his culture and learned how to cook their food. Like literally all that working what did it get me? So I am okay with accepting new it’s just the waiting part because I honestly cannot go through another heartbreak.