I can’t move on from my past sins!

I am currently here! Months after my break up with an ex that emotionally scarred me. I was ready to move on in love. But I had no idea what love was. I knew how to give it but I didn’t know how I was supposed to receive it, and decipher love, love bombing, lust, bare minimum and more. I keep telling myself I thought I would find love after my heartbreak but I was trying to find it in all of the wrong places. I started to use a dating site called badoo.

It’s a site for hookups which I knew nothing about. But because I was so fixated on finding a husband grand getting the love I deserve, I wasn’t paying attention to the red flags. Time after time I would tell God okay I’m done looking for love on the dating site, but as I would feel the void of not having someone there to protect me it got hard to stay away.

And yes before you say oh you have to be comfortable being alone. I was alone my entire life, and I had some dating history as a teenager. But after I stayed single and abstinent for 5 years until I met my ex. It’s pretty ironic because we met a few months before I went to Korea.

Narcissistic abuse

I suffered in that relationship and everything I didn’t do in that relationship I did in my recent relationship. Cooking, being more attentive and opened. I never cooked for my ex, but because the guy I was dating seemed genuine I wanted to show him that I was a wife. Now this kills me because a woman doesn’t need to prove anything because the way she carries herself will show the type of woman she’s. But it takes a mature man to notice and to keep her.

We didn’t work out! He was aggressive and controlling, and everything I saw on the first date was a lie.

Love waits lust rushes

I am not giving up on love but I’m done searching. I’m tired of getting hurt, and after my ex had did me dirty, I thought okay finally I will meet someone who will treat me right No! I feel like men only want me for sex, and sometimes I feel like a woman will never look at me and say I want her to be my wife. I know I end up with the same emotionally unavailable guys that come off as emotionally available but it’s all an act.

But after the heartbreaks I realized that I need more than a man showing up and taking me on dates. I do want a partner who I can pursue God with but I never felt like those kind of men wouldn’t want me. And that’s why I try to prove myself to worldly men because they won’t see the value in me, and I don’t care because I know who I am. But it’s sucks because that’s what I keep attracting and when I think it’s a good man, I get surprised to find out it’s just another counterfeit.

I am okay with being single especially after getting hurt two times after my breakup. But I know it’s my fault I keep trying to find the love instead of waiting on God.